the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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