Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
should my penis look like a turkey
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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