I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he fucked my hip out of place.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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