my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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