Your face is a jimmy john
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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