Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No subtext here. People are naked.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize