Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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