you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
