a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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