Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
