Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
