I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
