what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
