My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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