I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
