Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
