I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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