Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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