when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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