i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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