No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
