I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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