saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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