I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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