fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
