Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize