i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
