My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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