i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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