I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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