shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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