Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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