This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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