just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
