I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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