did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
