six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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