You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
