So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I need a beard to bite.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
