I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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