WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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