Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
They took my balls.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize