I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
