she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
