fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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