It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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