you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
