"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I need moral support for this bender
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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