I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
