i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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