Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
