My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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