I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
