If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
