roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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