There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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