There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize