Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
