I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
